im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
