I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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