I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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