Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
