all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
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Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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