Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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