he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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