The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
