i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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