happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
