I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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