I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
