I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
