Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
