you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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