I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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