i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
no more duck duck goose at the bar
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
