you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
