I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
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I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
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Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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