Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
