It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
