we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
