if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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