Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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