Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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