12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
