i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
