guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
