Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
