... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
