I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
