made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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