Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
