you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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