fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Randomize
