Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
