in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
