if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
