Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
