What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize