my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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