Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
