I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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