whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
