Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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