sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
