If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
