I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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