i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
