Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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