cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
