i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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