I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Welp...herpes.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
