ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
