remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...