i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.