do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
