I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
