I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?