Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
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Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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