if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
