Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
