You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
