Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
