i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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