you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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