So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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