I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
What a fucking waste of an outfit
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
